Episode Eleven

Is it possible? Can the ultimate in boredom, a Geology course at the N. London Poly really mean the end of what could well be the greatest literary epic of the 20th Century? Is 'Le Drivel Epic' with it's stunning array of plots, sub-plots, counter plots and vegtable plots, it's skilful use of innuendo, cynicism, social comment(?) and in-depth criticism of the present international (if not to say intergalactic) politico-economic situtation, doomed to end up being used as bog-paper or worse?

Not if Lord Flongord has anything to do with it. Flongord and his ever present companion Marie Carthorse are dedicated to preserving the literary, artistic and moral standards in this Great Country of ours. They see the attempted sabotage of 'Le Drivel Epic' as an evil plot by a ring of desperate men interested only in spreading the influence of pornography and erotic art on society. Lord Flongord is determined to stop this attempt on the life of a great literary masterpiece and has called on his top Pornobuster, Clifford Pilchard ...

The buzzer sounded in Lord Flongords office. "Yes, Lolita?" he said. Lolita is Lord Flongords very personal secretary.

"Clifford Pilchard is here to see you, Lord Flongord."

"Right, show him in please."

The door to Flongord's office slid open to reveal a neatly dressed, youngish man, with an air of cleanliness about him ...


Yes, gentlemen, if you want an air of cleanliness about you, then use PURONIFF products - a wide range of cosmetics for men, all with that distinct 'air of cleanliness' odour.

RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THAT. After all they only paid us a paltry sum so, back to the plot ...

... "Ah, Clifford," said Lord Flongord. "I think you know why I've called in out best operative on this job. It could be highly dangerous. Already some of the most promising writers in the country have been cruelly murdered while attempting to complete a literary masterpiece."

"You don't think this could be the work of Count El Porno, do you?" pondered Clifford.

"Possibly, possibly - anyway, the only lead we've got so far is that the last aatempt to foil the completion of 'Le Drivel Epic' involved the Geology Dept. of the N. London Polytechnic. The head of department is on Dr. D. B. Taylor. I think you should pay him a visit."

"Sure thing - I'll report on my visit tomorrow afternoon."

"Good luck."

Clifford strode out of the room, giving Lolita a cursory nod and made his way down to his Mini, parked in the underground car park. Strange girl, that Lolita, he thought. Lousy secretary, I don't know why old Flongord doesn't find someone else more efficient.

Meanwhile, back upstairs, Lolita was removing Lord Flongord's shirt, just as Clifford was climbing into his Mini.

Half an hour later, he was outside the North London Poly, just as Lord Flongord was putting his shirt back on and Lolita was thinking about getting back to the filing.

Clifford soon found the Geology Department, but not Dr. Taylor, whom, it seemed had not been seen by his secretary for two days.

"You mean, you've no idea where he is?" queried Clifford.

"No," she replied. "He said he was going away for a couple of days and didn't give me an address."

"Do you think I could have his home address?" asked Clifford. "What I want to ask him is rather important and his family might know where he has gone."

After a bit of persuading, he managed to obtain Dr. Taylor's home address and arrived there early that evening to find the house in complete darkness.

"Look's like no-one's in," he mused. "Still, I won't know for certain, unless I look properly."

He stealthily crept round to the back of the house, where he found, to his surprise, the french windows open. He quietly let himself in, hoping Dr. Taylor didn't keep any sharp-toothed guard dogs. He was walking across what he assumed was the living room, when he kicked something yielding and nearly fell over. He knelt down to find out what was blocking his path and discovered a body that had been obviously lying there for some time, since it was stone cold.